Three Tips to Deepen Character Relationships from Kira-Ann Pelican’s Attachment Theory Session on LSFReplay by Alison Weaverdyck

Over the decades, attachment theory has grown and changed, but the foundation has remained the same. Through anecdotal evidence and later through controlled lab studies, especially of how infants and their primary parent relate to one another, it became clear that we are deeply affected by the bond (or lack of same) we feel with our parents even at a very young age. 

The infants who were “securely” attached more than likely grew up to be adults in securely attached relationships. (About 50-60% of people) These are the folks who don’t panic if their sweetie doesn’t return a text, and more importantly, they are the ones who can weather the storms of life together.

Everybody else? That’s where it gets complicated – and for writers interested in character dynamics, especially interesting. The level of desire for intimacy/bonding/trust and the response to getting or not getting it fuels conflicts and resolutions in not just romantic relationships, but every type of relationship. Under the “insecure attachment” umbrella, you’ll find three types. 

Anxious – eager for intimacy, wants to “merge” with another person fully in order to feel secure, which can make them needy.   

Avoidant – “it’s not worth it” mentality, intimacy is not something they seek out. The hard nuts to crack. 

Disorganized (AKA fearful-avoidant) – a mix of avoidant and anxious responses, likely due to an abusive upbringing. Desires intimacy (anxious) but also fears it (avoidant). 

Pelican went on to give some great examples from recent shows, but both for brevity and to avoid spoilers, we’ll skip to her prompt instead. Take an idea you are currently mulling over or a project that you’ve completed, and write down at least three of your main characters. Try to figure out which attachment style describes them best. 

It might be easy, or it might not be so straightforward to figure it out, but starting with who raised them and what it was like will probably shine some light. However, a big reason this could feel like a complicated question is that even though our baseline style is “set” in infancy, our attachment styles can also change.    

Styles Can Change – But They Don’t Need To

Change doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Much like an object floating dead in outer space, characters need an outside force to get them moving in a direction. This force could be in the form of another person, but it could also be a life-changing event, attending therapy, or some other catalyst that leads to revelations about how to do things differently. 

It’s an oversimplification to say that if an avoidant person is loved by a secure person then they will be magically “healed”, but we are certainly influenced by the attachment styles and behaviors demonstrated by those around us. As we leave our childhood homes and move into our adult lives, we have the opportunity to ricochet off one another and learn. Characters often go through the same kinds of processes, and audiences are captivated because they are learning too. Unfortunately, the people who bump into us along the way can send us spinning off in the wrong direction, and characters are no different. Maybe this is a “bad influence” who convinces your protagonist to shoplift because they are too anxious in their attachments to say no to chance at acceptance.

In the context of screenwriting, both Pelican and some of the Q&A participants brought up the counterpoint that although characters can and should change, their attachment style doesn’t need to be the thing that changes in order for the relationship to hold our interest. Watching the securely attached couple weather that terrible storm can be deeply satisfying (and a great “learning” opportunity). And all the conflict that comes from the interactions of different attachment styles can lead to fascinating dynamics. Playing mind games, setting “tests” for one another, big arguments that lead to incredible make up sex – these are the stuff of drama for many writers, and they stem from insecure attachments that don’t necessarily ever get “solved.” Especially if you are interested in character arcs that take several seasons, changes to the foundations of your characters have to be incremental if they happen at all. 

Chemistry

Pelican goes on to add more great nuance to using attachment theory in your writing by discussing what she calls “chemistry.” This isn’t a psych term, more of a catch-all for the adjectives we might use to describe the overall vibe of a relationship. Those vibes are likely more changeable than the attachment style of a character, and are an accessible way to describe dynamics to someone quickly. 

For instance, a “fiery” relationship is going to have a lot of passion compared to the comfort and ease of a “warm” one. “Fiery” is a good shorthand for the push-and-pull you might find between an anxiously attached person and the avoidant who they love. Thinking in terms of adjectives first and attachment second could be a great way to suss out your character’s attachment style and what they are looking for in a relationship. But just because you liked things burning hot in your 20s doesn’t mean you are still interested in extra crispy when it comes time to settle down.

Don’t forget, attachment styles don’t only apply to our romantic lives. Chemistry is there in every interaction between every character. A character who moves through life with a general “aloof” vibe probably isn’t going to gel with their chatty neighbor right off the bat. But if they end up becoming besties? You’ve got a story. Because stories are about change.